i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
