Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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