Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
