I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
