i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
