I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
