So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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