You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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