So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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