it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
