no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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