I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
