Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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