Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I lost the right to judge tonight
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
