Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
