He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
