where does the pee come out of this thing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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