tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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