i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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