She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
