"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize