I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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