I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
