I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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