when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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