I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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