May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
