i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
