If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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