I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My breasts were aching with rage.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize
