who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
someone owes me an orgasm
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
