You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
