and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
