i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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