I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
