why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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