He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
