Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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