Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
