I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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