I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
