Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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