I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
