A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
