We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
sarcasm needs its own font
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
