don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
