Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
