The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
