I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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