I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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