im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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