Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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