And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
