I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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