Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
