Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
