next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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