I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
