Don't you send me to vm
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
