i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
