Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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