Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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