He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
