I heard we made out
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
