God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
