I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
