Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
