I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
