woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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